Life & Death

***PLEASE NOTE*** 

    A Note to the reader.  My intention's of the blog were to share my life stories and adventures.  But with the good times comes sad or even dark days.  All we can do is learn from them and try to move on. 

    I'm still not sure how it all happened it happened so fast.  I mean just one day I was a boyfriend the next i was a fiance, then a husband, father family man... then before I could blink it was all gone... I told my self i wasn't going to write to far back or much in this entry sometimes I can get long winded.  But this entry is something I knew would come I just didn't know when...

    This past week the final divorce papers came in the mail.  I signed them weeks ago and knew the day was coming.  The final papers signed by the judge came and i just couldn't believe it.  I think I was in denial.  That week I went to work I had some days off and played disk golf I guess I just didn't to believe it.  But when I called my lawyer and he confirmed I was divorced it is a phone call that I will never forget.  I put the phone down and couldn't believe it, I was divorced.  When I was little growing up I never thought it would happen, not to me.  But there I was looking down at those papers like it might as well been death sentence papers...

 So I bet your wondering how ended up here...

    

 Here's how it all started...

    Febuary 17th 2007 our wedding day.  A day I was waiting for since I was little.  Wanting to be married my entire life I couldn't believe it was finally here.  After a week of snow storms the sun came out.  The wedding and recption went great.  The next day I couldn't believe I was a husband.  I loved the fact that I was a husband.  I was playing the game of life and it just started...

    As time passed i became a father.  A day i'll never forget when I held this little person in my arms.  She just looked up at me trying to keep her eyes open.  This little person I couldn't believe I had a baby girl.  It was amazing.  Like all fathers around the world I was just so proud.

   A little over a year later just two days after Thanksgiving 2009 she told me she wanted a divorce.  I remember the day before it happened we had an argument, nothing big I was just frustrated and maybe she was tired from traveling home from out of town were we spent Thanksgiving.  She spend an extra night there and came home Saturday.  I took a shower that morning before work.  I always asked my self what would have happened if I just skipped the shower and went to work.  Would the fight have been missed?  I guess I’ll never know...  We argued about something that probably wasn't that big and as I left I remember just saying "Don't worry I'll be out in 2 weeks".  A statement I will never forget.  I was the kind of person the talked the talk but never walked the walk.  But this time she was tired of hearing it.  It was our 3rd time talking about it I guess it was the last strike.

    Around December 18 I was served papers.  I never wanna be served again...  Getting papers 2 weeks before Christmas sucks ass...  Holidays came and went, weeks and months did to.   I did okay, wait no I didn't.  I remember crying so hard I though my heart was going to pop.  I went over friends houses and just cried I didn't know what else to do.  I was eating a Jell-O cup a day for food.  I went from 180 lbs to about 160 in about a month...  I don't recommend getting a divorce to loose weight...  I didn't know what to do I begged and pleaded and tied everything to try to stop it.  

    We had good and bad days but we were polite to each other especially when Quinn was near.  I remember just crying for months on end through out the process and wondering what I did wrong or what I could do to fix it.  Every divorced couple has their own story. As the spring came and turned to summer I got my new job at paychex and that was some of the new best news I’ve had in a while.  As summer closed out my house hunting was closing and I found the house I am in now.  The fall came and the house closed and by October we were cleaning the yards and moving in.    House hunting was exciting but when I sat down I realized I was moving out of mine.  As I moved things out over the weeks some days were okay and some were horrible.  I knew I had to leave and was partly excited to have this new house I just never expected being alone would hit me so hard.  But after the "April Incident" I just started to loose hope...

    As I finally moved out the truth set in, the house she bought when we were dating but moved into together and worked on I was no longer able to just put my key in the door and walk in.  I would no longer be able to just walk in and hug my daughter after work.   Hug my wife and talk about our day.  Mowing the lawn and doing chores, laughing, talking watching movies it was all gone.  I was 28 when everything went down.

  I settled in my house but the pain got worse.  The nightmares started and I often found my self still not sleeping or waking up in a panic.  I felt my heart was just drained and my spirit poisoned.  Like a cancer that filled my soul.   I would have rather taken physical pain if it just meant taking the pain in side to leave.

    The Blog has been an inspiration but as days came like signing the separating papers, or moving out, signing the final papers I started to lose hope.  As this year came we had our ups and downs I think cabin fever got to me and I just never really realized how sad and lonely I would be with out them.  As the spring and summer came we talked less and I would pick and drop off Quinn.  Exchanging light conversation.  It's still just very hard when I go to pick her up, I sometimes still tear up after I pick her up.  Most of the time I drop Quinn off I watch her walk up the driveway and make sure she makes it save, maybe walking only a few steps up.  Watching your spouse hand off your child then turn and go back inside is just without words hard to see.  That person was once mine, my friend, my wife...

    Not to long ago I found my self by my bed slowly crying a little when Quinn got up and came in.  She asked what was wrong and why I was crying.  I didn't know what to tell her.  I just said I had a boo boo.  She asked where, I pointed to my heart, and then she leaned over and kissed it.  She said all better.  It was a moment I can't explain how touching it was.  I almost cried harder.  There I was a weak moment and my daughter was there to try and help comfort me.  Some days when I get her or have to drop her off and get sad, she asks if I’m okay I just tell her my boo boo hurts...

  I guess that brings us to now.  When the papers came I just couldn't believe it.  I've been meeting with one of my most trusted advisors over the past sever years as this has gone on and it has helped.  There are many good people and they all have been so helpful.  I know over time things get better but the one thing I still tell people is that I still feel the pain today as I did when it first happened....

    The nightmares still come and go some weeks are better than others, and some nights I wake up they are so bad. As far as I go, well I just work and wait patiently for my beautiful daughter and our visits.  I still feel the poison is in my blood.  The sadness, confusion and even still some anger...  I know there is nothing I can do.  I pick up Quinn and say hello and see how things were going and I go on my way.  It's not easy I only get her every other weekend and every wed.  So when I bring her to daycare on Thursday and it's not my weekend coming up I don't see her for an entire week...  That really sucks...  Besides some vacation and holiday's that really it...

  I try not to look at the house because it only makes it harder.  Getting Quinn is still hard the drive over is not easy.  I still get a little nervous or sad.  Sometimes when I pick her up or after I drop her off I still tear up a little.  I know it just takes time but I fell hard and never wanna get hurt again.  I've taken some time to talk to a lot of people and look at other blogs and hear other stories, I think later this year I will go to a divorce class but until then I just have to deal...  My first weekend divorced I had Quinn but we had fun and I knew I would enjoy it.

So here's where I am now...  Just doing my best to do everything I can to be a great Dad with the time I can.  I was told it's the quality not the quantity.  Sad to think that this Feb would have been 5 yrs.  That this Nov will be 2 yrs not together.  It's sad that just about 5 years ago I was on the alter in the picture below looking at life totally different...

   

    Well I just have to keep pressing on.  I wake up and when my feet hit the floor know I'm a good dad and just go to work and take it one day at a time.  As far as the nightmares well I guess that will just take time, but like Reba & Kenny sang "she over me that's where we are".

    My good friend told me this quote from Horace Walpole:  "Life is a comedy for those who think... and a tragedy for those who feel".

  I am very thankful I have such good family and friends.  I am thankful Quinn has a very good mother and she is loved from all over.   I have made some new friends reading new blogs and getting new advise and even giving some to.  But I honestly don't know what my future holds I'm just going to put my daughter first and I guess save the rest for later.  Will my heart heal, not sure.  People ask me why I still wear my ring.  Well I guess the real only answer I know to say is "I just don't have any reason to take it off".

    So where do i go from here... Well only time will tell until then I'm going to enjoy my daughter and be around my family and friends who have been there for me.  Maybe take some time off to enjoy some camp air.  Who knows...   My one story is over but a new one begins and I hope you follow and enjoy the ride.   I guess you'll just have to keep following this story.  I can tell you this...

  No matter what though I still believe That...

 The Juice was worth the Squeeze 

  If I can leave you with one more quote it would be:

""What is it that pulls a man in many directions all at once...but which at the same time... also holds a man together? It is his soul. And whether good...or evil...or a combination of both...a man cannot escape the urgings of his soul..." ~ Uncanny X-Men #350

To my readers I say always remember you are never alone...

Love,

Christopher