What if you could just go back…

     I know usually on Tuesdays I send out a tip but I've been thinking the past week and when I came up with this post I looked it over and over until I just said I have to post or I never will.  I hope when your done you can take something away from it.  It's not just an old story of my past...

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this weekend and yes something I would say almost everyone in their lives has though of.  “If I could only go back.”  I know we can’t, and should always move forward but if you could what would you’re re-do be?  When it comes to divorces I would imagine a lot of people wouldn’t have taken that plunge.  I know that couldn’t be mine seeing how we have a child and you should never UN do that if there is another person is involved like a child. 

So as you think of you’re re-do let me tell you mine…  What would I do if I could go back and make a change?

             Well let me set the stage.

  I would go back to my later college/early working years.  Probably around 2005 to early 2006, that year I was just out of college and working at Paychex.  For the first time that is.  I was young and stupid I though I had the world at my finger tips and everything was going for me.  The year had some very good up’s and very tough downs.  I was with a girl that loved me very much and she was a few years younger but all I did was work, live at home and not have a care in the world.  Life was easy, except the fact I loved someone that I couldn’t be with.  The year consisted of just relaxing with one of my best friends, you all know him as Hughey.  We just chilled and did what we needed to do to get by.  He was in the army so he was here and there but he was home mainly the year.  I’m telling you life was easy, we would pick up some beers and stop over friends houses and do drop inns all the time.  We once stopped by a friend’s house one day with a 30 rack me, Hughey and his g/f.  Who at the time was the older sis of he person I was with.  After we headed out and just did what ever live asked. 

Well as time passed me and this special someone drew very close and began to spend more and more time together.  She cared for me on a level people only dream of.  We did dinners and movies and since her sis was one of my best friends seeing her was easy.  Family and friends didn’t understand, I guess they though I was at a different stage.  Which I guess I kinda was.  I was about 24 she was 18.  I know the gap, but a heart wants what the heart wants.  Well anyway we were in love and couldn’t admit it because not many people were routing for us.  As the summer came and went we saw each other a lot and as the seasons changed we grew closer.  As winter came I knew she would be going away to college and realized after I had a great time and that it would be wrong of me to tie her down.  It was then I was out of work and just getting a few hours at my other job I caught up with my now Ex.  She was older and I realized maybe I would be able to settle down.  (This has been my dream since I was a boy, it also is my downfall.)  I never let life just drift I was always am to eager to get into a long serious relationship.  Well after just talking and catching up and some other things that happened, like my buddy and her sister breaking up I decided to try to grow up and move on.  Be with someone older and ready to get serious.  I had to let the girl I was with go and have fun at college, forget me and be her self.  (Another flaw I have, thinking I know what’s best for others and making their decision for them)  So I did something I wish I never did, or at least could have done differently.  I just up and disappeared, I changed my number and just vanished.  I changed it later down the road but gave her some dumb excuse like we just can’t see each other and that she was going to college and has to live life.  (Heroic of me right? No not really).  We did this before a lot but always got back together I tired to break it off but just couldn’t be without her.  I guess I just though I would settle down and for some reason I’ll never be able to tell you why I did what I did except I didn’t know what I wanted and acted because I wanted to rush my life. 

After I started dating my now Ex and though that’s what I wanted.  I got married and we had Quinn all in the span of about 2 yrs.  When I left this girl and started dating my Ex in February of 2006 we went to a party a few weeks later.  I was on the porch and saw the girl who I left so abruptly standing there.  Then, I just though maybe it was weird, but now I feel hurt as I saw her there alone.  Again I though I was on top but like they say “when your on top, the only place to go is down.”  So then well you know the rest.  The divorce came and I sat looking back at my life and realized I left someone who really cared about me for someone who didn’t.  I was with someone who didn’t care about me a 1/1000^th as much as the other.  After something happens we look back and go “awweee shitttt”.  I guess that’s just us as humans.  Funny how that goes we never appreciate something till it’s to late or just plain gone.  I even lost her sister in all this because I needed time away and lost contact with her.  I caught up with her but you have to realize when you disappear some won’t go back.  She did, but she grew and had a family and her husband felt I did too much damage to try to show back up like a father after 20 yrs of not caring for his children.  I did write them both a long letter of why I was stupid and did what I though I new I wanted to do.  The both well forgave me but her sister and one of my then closest friends still can’t talk to this day.  Sometimes it’s just too late I guess… 

So as time went on she moved on and the girl and I kept in touch, after I explained how horrible I was and how sorry I was and why I did what I did, we just said hello.  So I guess if I had that time machine I would go back and at least part with a respect.  I would like to say at least try but I have a beautiful girl in my life and altering time is not fair.  For what if our parents went back in time and never had us…   

            I would at least go back and do things right.  I don’t know why I grew up so fast I guess I though what happened to me would never happen.  Then again now here I am with a blog for divorced parents.  I would go back and at least do the right thing.  I would like to say go back and open my eyes to someone who really cared about me but well see about paragraph.  There was only one person in this world that ever called me cruel, and it was me.  I can’t imagine the pain I caused and when talking I know I hurt her extremely bad.  Something I have never done to anyone, I have always had closure and to this day don’t know why I did what I did. 

            As I look at my life there are so many things I can go back and fix or edit or change you are wondering why this. Why this one thing if I can’t even change my path.  If the out come is still having Quinn and this big mess of a divorce why? Why telling this one person I have to let them go, even though when I go back I know for a fact I can’t stay I can’t alter time and just stay and try to work things out…  Because I hurt someone, that’s why.  I can’t go back and fix my divorce that will always happen.  She just didn’t want to be with me there is nothing I can do.  I would still be here today alone but at least I could do the right thing.  So I use my time machine to fix love.  Love, a post I will post about some day…

            So I would go back and try to make wrong right.  I know it may not justify what I still have to do but for someone who treated me better and probably anyone it still is better than the way out I took.  It would be the one thing I would change because I also know it would be one of the hardest things to do.  Sure I can go back change some easier or go left instead of right, or keep that job, or don’t take that one but that’s life.  I feel my arrogance in my youth led me down the path I now am on.  Working so much to afford a failed marriage and support my little one all because I took a path I though would lead me to having a family fast.  Well I say there is something to say and think about when it comes to dating and that’s there is no rush.  I yet to learn to just slow down and take life the way it is.  There is a difference between an Ex, and the one that got away.

            So how do I tell my self now that I get my one back in time ticket that I can’t even use it for its full power and change my life and not leave, or never find my ex.  Well that’s something I can never do for after I go back in time and at least try to show good faith I have to turn and walk away knowing when I come back to the present I sill have a divorce to get through and child to support alone…  Tell me that isn’t the easy way out now.  Should have done it sooner but with time comes forgiveness and they say forgiveness is the final form of love. 

            I wonder how people would use their ticket.  We have to understand in this world how important living in the now is.  Which brings me to my post, we can’t go back everyone.  Time goes forward so don’t waste it or use it unwisely.  Before you do something think about your actions because once done its no point in thinking about them late?  There is nothing you can do but it doesn’t hurt to at least think about something you would change, this shows you wanted to make a difference or make wrong right.  I can not apologize anymore for what I did.  I can not go back and stay and try to be with that special person.  I can only go forward, think about what I did and never do it again.  I guess that is what I would do.  Is there anything in your life you just really would love to go back and see what you could do again or different.  Maybe spend more time with a loved one or parent.  Try to make up with a friend that you don’t speak with, not make a bad decision in your life.

            When I think about my past of course I wonder about lost ones like family that has passed and you may say wouldn’t you want to spend one more day with a family member?  Well of course that goes with out saying.  But I feel death is a part of life and that one more day would be nice.  The thing is trying to write a wrong I feel is still more important especially because there were such strong feelings.  I will see my family that has passed again.  I just would rather not have had to go to my end the way I did things back then.    

            So in the end she turned out to be the girl that got away(maybe, lifes not over yet...),  because I let her go.  To this day I still miss her terribly.  Mainly because I felt we could have had something if only I waited.  I was afraid to get hurt when she went to college and in doing so I ended up hurting her.  I to this day feel we could have worked if only I just relaxed.  I don’t know how or why but sometimes the closer someone get’s the hard I try to make them not work out.  Sometimes I feel my defenses work harder than my offences and in the end that will always ruin things.  If we are to protected and sheltered we will never fully open up and in the end never really feel that amazing feeling like love. 

            I hope this post more than anything made you wonder, think, I hope it made you look back at your life because every life is just as important as the one next to it.  There is no life that is more important or higher up than any other.  Weather you are a movie star and loved by all or someone with out a home that people walk over to get to work.  A life is a life and I hope this post makes you sit down before you go to bed and think about something you would change.  I know we can not, but I hope everyone knows that change is a gift for the present and the present only.  It can not be done in the past because the past if over, and it can not be made for the future because there is no value there.  It is never too late; forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts.  It is the final form of love…

           

Always Remember,

You are never alone…

“Although I may not know you, I love you.”

Love,

Christopher

So I dedicated this post and  this song to K whom I will always care for but know she moved on like we all do in life...  I guess if I could just say one thing it would be this song...