Alpha and Omega…

             A few post ago I went up to the camp with some friends and enjoyed the time away to just relax.    While I was there I had some final things to close out for my marriage.  It has been since November of 2009 since it all started and now 3 years later I feel I have learned so much.  I have been over my divorce on all levels over a year ago, but I had some final things I decided to close out.  I decided to wait till we arrived at the camp to properly say goodbye and close out the rest. 

            The phrase Alpha and Omega to me is very significant.  Coming from someone who believes there are rituals when going through life.  I didn’t take my ring off till about 2 months after the final papers were signed.  I knew once it came off it would never go back on.  I also knew I wouldn’t be able to take it off so I requested the help of one of my highest advisors to help me.  Again just an example of what this post is about.  I found going through my time everyone is different, some people just sing and move on, some take longer, everyone has their own path.  I found I usually like to gather around the people that are deep, talk about closure in their blogs or daily life.  I have a few friend I met online that have many closing out post and talk about how now the can move on and feel they ended a chapter or two the way the felt they had to.  I am also explaining this because I don’t want my readers to think what I am about to talk about is me relapsing.  I am fully over my divorce, I just had some final things to close out and I wanted to take some time to share them with you…

            When I moved into my home I used some of the things from our marriage in my daily life, and yes I don’t think twice.  I collected all the smaller things we had, including the divorce papers and put them in a safe place.  I keep them because Quinn will always have the right to see them.  There were two items however I felt I had to close out but they were too big.  I call them my Alpha and Omega…

            Alpha:  Growing up my parents hung a memory box up in our family room.  It is still there today, as we grew up we filled it with little things that we found or just came across.  It is an old printer’s box, now it is very full and there are almost no spots left.  We even used the top to hold items, it was that packed.  Growing up I knew I always wanted one.  When I got married on our honeymoon we went antique shopping and I found one.  I already talked to my Ex about it and she thought it was a cute idea.  It was our first married purchase.  We took it home and hung it up and put a few small things in it to start its growth.  This is my alpha because it was the beginning, our first married purchase and the start of our life.

            Omega:  Now my Omega isn’t really as symbolic but I still feel it is something important.  While we were married she bought me a sweatshirt from my old college.  She new I needed a new one and found one I really liked.  It was comfortable and something I really enjoyed.  I was a skater after all.  For those that don’t know skaters/snowboards love their hoodies…  I also call it my omega because days before our breakup stated she wore it.  She never wore any more my stuff so I probably should have known something was up, but I laugh for that’s nothing to think about. 

            When I got settled in my new home all alone I saw these two items that were pretty much the beginning and end of my story.  I didn’t want to keep them because I felt the memory box was something we needed to fill, and I just knew it was time to retire them both.  I didn’t want to give them away because it wasn’t someone else’s memory box, it was ours.  I knew I wanted to retire them like an old flag, properly with respect.  The weekend we went up to the camp I took some time to relax and remember some of the memories I had and sat by the fire and got ready to fully close out that chapter.  I took a few things out of the memory box that I had in there from events that didn’t take place with the marriage and went over to the fire.

            I set the memory box on the fire and watched as the flames slowly took over.  There were still some things in it but I let them go with the box…  As the flames curved over the edges and slowly engulfed the box I saw empty holes that will never be filled.  I saw memories fade and slowly turn to ash.  A life time of memories that weren’t even started yet burned before my eyes.  The box started to break apart and I saw a future of laughter and memories crumble in the flames…  I placed the sweatshirt on top and the flames grew and took over.  I looked on as the flames took them both and returned them to the earth.  I was over my marriage but I still looked on with sad heavy eyes as the feeling of failure took over.  I say and watch both items break apart.  Those boxes will never be filled again; there will no longer be any days of walking with the shirt on laughing or just relaxing at home.  Hughey sat with me and was there if I needed him.  He understood what I was doing and supported me the whole time. 

            As the fire slowed down all that was left was some mixed ashes and memories that faded out into the cold night sky…

It was finished…

            As I said before I did start my life over a while back and have grown stronger since.  This moment in time was just difficult because I knew it was coming and seeing the pieces of history just remained me I may never marry again I may end up alone.  It reminded me how much I wanted children but only have one child.  It strengthens my fear of trust and companionship and makes me nervous of even the slightest of touches from someone who tries to get close.  I now life my life and try to just be the best Dad I can be.  I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it.  I go on and wonder about the paths now ahead of me.  I do know that I will continue to write my story and help anyone who feels they are here.  I also posted this because this is a site for single parents but also anyone that needs some help or guidance on divorce.  I have said to my readers before that I sill post on divorce because the blog is ended to help those going through it.  Just because I am over mine and stronger, doesn’t mean everyone else is…

            I made the video below after the divorce started.  I’m not exactly sure why I made it.  In the beginning I guess just to show my ex what we had and if it was really worth giving up.  I showed her eventually when I finished it.  She said it was sad, not really what I was going for but I guess that is part of it.  I was just trying to go deep.  Maybe I’m wrong.  If you are viewing this post from an email or phone, and want to see the video just go to the site it’s self.  It is at the end of this post.  I don’t want people to think however I am backtracking.  It was a difficult decision the video is very personal and I didn’t put it up to say I miss what I had.  I just wanted to close out this section and let people know that closing out is a part of life.  If you end something or close it out the way you need to then do it.  There is no shame in that at all.

            For anyone reading this that I know I want to say thank you for all your support and love.  The past three years have been difficult but I have rebuilt my self and carry on.  For anyone that I may not know I hope if you feel this way that you aren’t scared or embarrassed.  Going through something like this is horrible and unless you have been divorced or in this spot it’s something you just can’t understand.  I hope you haven’t either.  The less that have the better…

            So I say farewell and I move on with my life, do I still have to pick up Quinn and work with her Mom, of course.  I just know that over the past few years I have grown stronger and fully know I am in a place where I feel good and will continue to move on…

Always Remember,

You are never alone…

Love Christopher